Your friend’s death has hit you hard, says Mariella Frostrup. Don’t leap to conclusions – or insist anyone else does
The dilemma I’ve spent the pandemic quarantining in my university house with my closest friends, one of whom passed away last year. He was in the middle of an “off” part of an on-again-off-again abusive relationship with someone who was my best friend at the time. Since then, me and his girlfriend have fallen out badly, and most of my friends and I feel very angry with her at the way she treated the friend who has passed away – and how much she’s hurt me. However, one of my other closest friends is still friends with her.
I can’t understand how he would be able to have a friendship with her despite the terrible things she has done, and it makes it hard for me to talk to him without thinking of her. He, however, will not talk about their friendship as he doesn’t want to be put in the middle, or convinced to dislike her in any way, so it is just left as this elephant in the room. How do I come to terms with sharing a friend with someone who has caused a lot of pain? Especially when most of that pain was aimed towards someone dear who we have lost?