I’ve got a great new boyfriend – but how can we make the sex better?

We want to stay together, but he says he’s not satisfied and I don’t want to have sex just to keep him happy

My boyfriend and I first met in person a month ago, though we had been video chatting for many months before. We’re in tune about most things but sex is complicated. He told me he doesn’t feel sexually satisfied and I don’t feel like having sex when I’m not horny. Could you help me better understand what we could do here, because we both want to continue our relationship.

If you don’t feel like having sex, then don’t. It takes time to get to know a person sexually, and to trust them enough to share your own sexual needs. And it is simply not useful to tell someone you “don’t feel satisfied” without going into detail about how exactly you would like your partner to help remedy that. Ask for clarification. Likewise, it is not useful to go through with sex when you are not aroused. You are probably expecting a little too much of each other at this stage. Take the time to mutually communicate your needs and desires, and do only what feels good. Focus simply on pursuing pleasure rather than trying to achieve something. Sex is supposed to be fun.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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