My husband has been having a secret affair for 30 years | Ask Philippa

Recovering your relationship is not impossible, but you must prioritise your own happiness, says Philippa Perry

The question I’ve been with my husband for 40 years. Four weeks ago, I discovered he has had a 30-year affair. I picked up his phone thinking it was mine and I noticed a text from an unknown woman. He’d been texting, making arrangements, all in affectionate and loving language. When I challenged him he told me they’d had an affair lasting five years about 30 years ago. He said the guilt made him break it off, even though she was distraught. He swears he never wanted to leave me. They resumed contact, although as a friendship rather than a sexual relationship.

He would visit her, but denies anything physical happened and insists neither of them wanted to jeopardise our marriage. I’m devastated. I’ve seen a side of him I’ve never known. He is adamant it was just friendship, but texts included him telling her he loved her, which he hasn’t said to me for years.

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