Sex with my husband is amazing – so why doesn’t he orgasm?

He assures me that he enjoys our time together, but as we want to have children, I worry that he may have an underlying issue

My husband and I recently got married. He was a virgin at the time and I am puzzled by the fact that he doesn’t ejaculate or orgasm. He assures me that he likes our time together but I worry he may have some underlying issue that he should get checked out. The sex is amazing for me as I have multiple orgasms but we want to have children and I am scared that will not happen easily.

There are ways to conceive without intercourse and climax. But in terms of his sexual health, it would be important to know if he has ever ejaculated (perhaps while sleeping?) or had an orgasm. If not, he should certainly have a checkup. But some people – for example, those who grew up in households where there was a highly punitive attitude towards developing sexuality – do not naturally glean an understanding of their sexual selves, or discover how their genitals work through self-exploration and masturbation. Such people usually have to learn about their sexual responses as adults, and making love with an adult partner can be challenging. Try to start a very gentle, non-threatening conversation with him that might begin: “I really love having sex with you, but it seems a little bit one-sided so I am curious about what exactly gives you pleasure?” Perhaps you can jointly discover the answer.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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